Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


When I was a teenager, I remember studying the spiritual gifts. I thought for sure mine was something to do with helping others. I was very compassionate and always willing to lend a helping hand. As I've grown into adulthood (when did that happen?) I've come to realize, that while I do still try to help when I can, I don't think that is my spiritual gift. I believe it is that of faithfulness. I think I realized it most in 2007. That was a VERY rough year for me. It started on New Years Day when I got a positive pregnancy test. Erica was only 13 months old and the last thing we were planning for at that moment was baby #3. We hadn't even decided if were going HAVE another baby, much less so soon. I was so scared, but knew God had a plan for us. And if that meant three kids 3 and under, then Praise the Lord! Then in March, I went to the OB for a typical 14 week check up. There was no heartbeat on the doppler, so she wheeled in the ultrasound machine. At that moment I learned my baby had died. I was given the choice of waiting for labor to start on it's own (which it may not have), inducing labor, or having a d&c. Eric was scheduled to deploy to Iraq the next week, so I definitely didn't want to wait for anything. And at that moment, the last thing I could imagine doing was laboring and delivering a stillborn. So, I opted for the d&c. We scheduled it for the next day. At that point, we hadn't learned the sex of our baby, but I'd already been toying with names. I had Meredith as a front runner if it was a girl. Eric agreed that if we found out the baby was a girl, we would name her that. The next day at the hospital, after the dr. had successfully removed the baby, she told Eric that it was a boy. I remember the moment he told me, my heart sank. I had lost my first little boy. We hadn't even really discussed boy names, because for us, they were harder to agree upon. As I sat in recovery, I used Eric's laptop to browse online looking for the perfect name for our little angel. As I looked through baby name sites, I came across the name Matthew. I had always liked that name, but never thought we could use it, because I didn't want him to end up being Matt Matlock. When I clicked on the name, I saw the meaning, "gift from God". That was it. It was perfect. God had given us a precious gift, and the name was so fitting. I will not lie and say that getting through that loss was easy. It most certainly was not. I still cry for my son who I never met. But I felt an unexplainable peace about it all. Well, not completely unexplainable. I know that peace came from God. But I cannot explain His ways. It was remarkable to me that I was able to get through that time and move forward. Especially with Eric being deployed to Iraq so soon after. When he returned, we discussed having another baby. We both realized that we DID want to add a 3rd child to our lives. So for the first time in our lives, we actually TRIED to get pregnant (Natalie and Erica were also both surprise blessings!). We were ecstatic when we found out I was pregnant! I of course was very nervous. As anyone who has had a pregnancy loss can atest, you never go into another pregnancy without those same fears and concerns. And at 7 weeks, my greatest fear was realized when I started bleeding in the middle of the night. Eric took me to the hospital the next day to get checked out, but I was not far enough along for them to be able to tell me much by ultrasound. So it was all a waiting game. I continued to bleed for a few days, and then on Sept. 5, I started cramping heavily, and ended up passing the baby at home. It seemed like it was over as fast as it started. I couldn't understand why this was happening again. But I had faith that God was in control, and even thought *I* couldn't understand the whys behind it all, I knew He had a plan, and it was a perfect plan for my life. We never knew the sex of that baby, but Natalie always referred to it as a boy, and she had told me while I was still pregnant, that we should name the baby Will. So we did. I was VERY happy when my dr. told me that she would run tests to try and figure out what was causing my miscarriages. There are many doctors who will not do anything until you have had three in a row. After some labwork, we found out that I had 2 problems. First I had MTHFR, which is a genetic blood clotting disorder. It is two-fold for pregnancy, because it can cause blood clots to form (which is the dr's best guess as to what happened with my miscarriages) and it also keeps my body from absorbing folic acid effectively, which anyone who's been pregnant can tell you how important folic acid is for the a growing baby. So I was put on baby aspirin for a blood thinner, and increased folic acid. Then I also had hypothyroidism. She put me on 50mg of Synthroid and I had to wait 6 weeks to get tested to make sure the dosage was right. So I did that, but when I was tested, we discovered that the dosage was not high enough and that my thyroid was still overactive. So we upped my dose to 75 mg, and I had to wait another 6 weeks for testing. Finally, 3 months later, everything seemed to be in order, and I was given the green light to try to conceive again! That is where 2007 left off and the wonderful year of 2008 began. God blessed us immensely in 2008. We got our perfect little man, Graham, in October. I kept my faith that the Lord had good things in store for us. And boy was I right! However, things aren't always looking up. So far 2009 has been a doozy of a year for us. It started with good things. Eric was offered a great job in San Antonio. But along with that has been headache after headache. I will not go into too many details (because I'm not sure what Eric would feel comfortable with me sharing), but between changing jobs, trying to sell our house, our vehicles, sick kids, another 6 week trip for Eric, and countless other things, we feel like we're being put through the ringer. I have asked Eric several times if this job was worth it, and he laughs and says "ask me in a year". I try to stay positive, but it has been hard. But I have to remember that God has a plan for us. And His plan is PERFECT. We do not have to understand it. We just have to TRUST that He can see the big picture, and that eventually, things WILL be better. "Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld." -2 Chron. 20:20